What Do You Want?
I should be able to talk without fumbling for words in a social setting.
I should feel more comfortable verbalizing and going for what I truly want.
I
should be less concerned about my appearance with those I know who love me.
Since adolescence, those internal thoughts were like the wallpaper in the back of my mind, not standing out or grabbing my attention. I spent loads of time and energy doing and being what I thought I should do and be to gain approval. The habit of "shoulding" all over myself was deeply ingrained and sadly, utterly depleting.
To break this life-long habit, I've begun to ask
myself this simple, yet profound question, "What do I deeply want?" I've journaled, meditated, and explored breathwork and Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. Those modalities have been immensely supportive of my mental/emotional well-being.
I've also added psilocybin (mushroom plant medicine, or magic mushrooms) to my self-care therapy list. In micro or mini doses, psilocybin helps me clarify what I want by removing some of my rigid thinking (the "I should" kind of
thinking). It allows me to feel into what it is like to want something. A larger macro dose provides inner resolve to verbalize and take action on moving toward what I want.
It has been about four years since I've begun my mushroom explorations (and other psychedelics), and I've noticed the social anxiety has faded. I find myself speaking up more easily with peers, less obsessed about how I look or sound. I judge and edit myself less. I've become more
comfortable in my own skin and feel like the authentic me is emerging.
Recently, a friend asked me, "How has psilocybin positively affected your life?" I told her, "I feel as though I belong to myself; I am comfortable being me; I know who I am; I want to be with people because I'm not trying to please them. I feel more present with them."
I literally feel lighter. I have more energy probably because I'm no longer giving much of myself
away.
At the beginning of my first plant medicine journey, I arrived as an observer of life. It was kind of like I was watching the game (my life) from the stands. During the ceremony, the message was clear, "You are not an observer, you are a participant."
Since I received that first message, I brought it home to integrate it into my everyday life. I began to chant in the mornings to hear my own voice. I speak up and say what I want more often. I throw out
creative ideas. I am curious about what different parts of me want and how they show up in my mind and body. I pause to notice my parts and I invite them to tell me more. I realize all my parts love me and want me to participate in society, hold a job, cultivate good relationships, and recognize joy in my life.
I believe sacred plant medicines like psilocybin are here to help us navigate the challenges we face as a species. I am curious....what do you think about
psilocybin?
